Supposedly there was a time when Mickey Rourke was desirable to women. It was allegedly the mid-1980s and he was a budding star, constantly depicting bad boy bruisers in films like 9½ Weeks, Angel Heart and The Pope of Greenwich Village. He ended up ruining the whole heartthrob thing with a mix of booze and boxing, and now, between the leathery skin, sloppy pimp outfits and ratty highlighted hair, he’s a hearty combo of creepy and gross. (He also called his dead chihuahua the love of his life.) All of which makes news that he’ll play opposite the uncomfortably sexual lip-licker Megan Fox in a new film all the more unsettling.
Passion Play stars Rourke as a beleaguered jazz trumpeter and Fox as a sideshow carnival beauty who he takes a liking to. The movie title has the word “passion” in it and we all know what that means, or at least our gag reflexes do. Bill Murray plays a gangster hoping to sunder the pair’s romance, and though he’s cast as the villain, his cause seems just for the good of humanity and our poor eyes. After all, can you imagine any two actors you’d like to watch in a sex scene less than Mickey Rourke and Megan Fox? Actually, come to think of it, we can name seven…
Nic Cage and Julia Roberts While it is possible that Nic Cage is a super self-aware lunatic genius, immersed as deeply in his campy disasters (The Wicker Man, Knowing) as in his campy victories (Adaptation, Bad Lieutenant), he still has an eerie aura. His wry grin and menacing teeth make up the mouth of a demon and seeing him suck face with the juicy lips of America’s most annoying sweetheart Julia Roberts sounds like a scene from the first circle of hell.
Clint Eastwood and Sophia Loren Let’s be serious: old sex is gross sex, almost always — and these two have the skin of desert iguanas. Or worn baseball mitts. Credit where credit is due, though; they’ve both stuck around in a respectable way like few of their peers and Loren even managed to stay hot through a lot of it. But now they’re gruffer than comely and despite their seemingly eternal presence at award shows, there’s nothing that could make friction between this duo of tired baggy flesh appealing.
Jeremy Piven and Tina Fey It’s not that they’re unattractive. Piven is diminutive but has a certain swagger — just ask January Jones — and everyone with a functional IQ has a crush on Tina Fey (especially other women!), but could there be a more obnoxious pair? Would they ever shut up? There’s no turnoff like a bigmouth in bed — two is sexy like Susan Boyle.
Val Kilmer and Mo’Nique Kilmer, like Rourke, had a rebellious charm back in the day — a rugged cockiness and an enigmatic persona, too. But eventually mysterious becomes bizarre and the magic becomes madness. Oh, and he became more bloated than Luke Wilson in those AT&T commercials. Mo’Nique, meanwhile, wrecked any semblance of sex appeal she had in her brutal Golden Globe winning performance in Precious. Upon contact with Kilmer, the universe might melt.
Jack Nicholson and Kathy Bates Remember when Kathy Bates bared her breasts in About Schmidt? Yeah, we tried repress that memory, too, but just admit what you saw. Then imagine they did the deed on screen. Now stop crying.
Paul Giamatti and Tilda Swinton Talented actors, to be sure! But they just look so strange. If movie-style alien ambassadors ever landed in Los Angeles, and we didn’t want to startle them with our distinct humanness, we’d do well to send Giamatti and Swinton to greet their native people. Imagine them touching each other. No? Didn’t think so.
Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg It’s about time for another headline-making gay movie romance, all these years after Jake and Heath in Brokeback Mountain. But the reigning princes of pubescent self-doubt and un-sexy stammering should never meet in the bedroom. Eisenberg was passable at undressing Mopey McMopeface in Adventureland and the virtues of the Michael Cera sex scene has been analyzed at length. But if they ever touched each other, the world’s men might go permanently limp in unison.