Megan Fox Is No Man’s Red Velvet Cupcake

Kim Kardashian, you are not alone. I too suffer from an unrequited Megan Fox girl crush. In spite of a disturbing and Britney-esque sartorial bent, addiction to pancake makeup, defective thumb, infuriating upspeak?, and David Silver, there’s something about the poor man’s Angie Jo. Maybe it’s the banging trailer for Diablo Cody’s latest teen fantasia, Jennifer’s Body, in which Fox plays a possessed cheerleader who burns her tongue with Bics and eats teenage boys. Amanda Seyfried: “You’re killing people.” Fox: “No, I’m killing boys.” Or the fourth-wave feminist posturing in this month’s British GQ, wherein Meg, clad in the ever-classy combo of swimsuit-‘n’-high heels, declares she will never, ever be any man’s “little cupcake”. Go ahead, girlfriend! But even a boy-flesh-wolfing mean girl can’t live on sweaty gym socks, testosterone, and Proactiv alone. It’s time to take back the cupcake.

Perhaps it’s just me, but vanilla whispers of shredded acid wash, does it not? Chocolate speaks in the dulcet tones of studded pleather. So what screams questionable tattoos, Lucite, and side-slit gowns? Why, red velvet, of course. And because M.F. sends her assistant to Whole Foods, substitute puréed beets for the nefarious Red No. 40 in these healthy-ish homemade babycakes.

Foxy Red Velvet Cupcakes

1. Preheat oven to 350°. 2. Fit paper liners into a 12-welled cupcake pan. 3. Whisk 3/4 cup sugar, 3/4 cup flour, 1/2 cup Dutch-process cocoa, 1 teaspoon plain yogurt, 1 teaspoon baking powder, 1/2 teaspoon baking soda, and 1/4 teaspoon salt. 4. Separately mix 3/4 cup beet purée, 1/2 cup canola oil, 1/4 cup milk, 1/2 teaspoon balsamic vinegar, and 2 room-temp eggs. 5. Slowly fold dry ingredients into wet mix. 6. Fill each cupcake well 2/3 full. 7. Bake for 15 minutes or until a toothpick in the center of each cupcake emerges cleanly. 8. Icing! Combine 1/4 cup softened butter and 3 oz. softened cream cheese. 9. Beat until fluffy, then slowly fold in 2 cups powdered sugar; beat until smooth. 10. Stir in 1 teaspoon vanilla. 11. Decorate the cupcakes’ cooled heads any way you like. Fancy-pants can get pastry bags and tips, pipe out some origami birds. But I’m guessing Fox might just use a knife.

Invite some friends over. Because eating a whole tray of red velvet cupcakes alone, pondering the righteousness of Fox’s boyeater girl power is … you know.

(Cupcake photo)

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