John Moschitta, Jr., Please Take the Mic & Show ’em How It’s Done

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The number two item on Reddit this morning is a blisteringly fast rap by a young spoken-word artist named George Watsky, now known to the Internet as Pale Kid Raps Fast. Watsky is talented, funny, and deserving of the web traffic, but the 88-second video got me thinking about all the fast rappers out there. There’s Eminem, of course, along with Outkast, Twista, Bone Thugs, and engaging oddities like Die Antwoord. But who came first? I contend that it wasn’t a rapper at all who pioneered the lightning-quick trend, but rather early ’80s TV pitchman John Moschitta, Jr.

The one-time world’s fastest talker became the toast of the nation after appearing in the now legendary FedEx Federal Express commercial “Fast Paced World.” In the ad, he portrays executive Jim Spleen as he deals with a slew of business challenges with a nearly 600-word-per-minute flow that covers a job interview, board meeting, a business lunch, and travel planning. But since few contemporary rappers are familiar with his mesmerizing staccato flow, it may be time for Moschitta to come out of retirement and cut a new track. It seems the music world has finally caught up with him.

Moschitta’s talent doesn’t just lie in the astonishing speed with which he speaks lines like “Dick what’s the deal with the deal? Are we dealing? We’re dealing. Dave it’s a deal with Don, Dork, and Dick, Dork it’s a deal with Don, Dave, and Dick…gotta go, disconnecting.” It’s the fact that you can actually understand what he’s saying, and that he’s able to add some humor and personality to his delivery as well. It’s not just funny because it’s fast, it’s funny because he’s a genuinely funny guy, and probably would be even at regular speed.

So, Mr. Moschitta, if you’ve been waiting for the right time to make your triumphant return to the airwaves, I think that time is now. Spend a few minutes writing something fresh, hook up with a major hip-hop producer like Timbaland or the Neptunes to get some beats, and proceed to drop some 56-year-old science on their heads. Come visit the BlackBook offices and we’ll make a video for all the world to experience. Today’s speed rappers are entertaining, but they could all learn a lesson from the original gangsta. Gotta go, disconnecting …