Okay, we’ve heard goddamn plenty about how you won’t get sex in the hot town, summer in the city if you don’t have a crankable air conditioning window unit or superior climate control for your fetid dwelling. And fall is very nearly here—feel free to disregard these anxieties and just suck up those big Con Ed bills for a few more weeks. Or don’t even have sex! If you’re not willing to sweat for it, you don’t actually want an orgasm—you just want one to happen to you.
But as long as we’re talking about what’s essential to a win-win(-win) genital encounter in August, here’s an expanded checklist:
Brita, off-brand, whatever. This goes for winter, too. If you don’t have a water purification system, you will not get laid by the people by whom you wish to get laid. These attractive and discerning partners will get thirsty, and they don’t want your lukewarm tap water in a rinsed-out Solo cup. Even those ladies in Bangladesh use saris. Yeah, in theory you could FreshDirect a case of Perrier once a week, but be real.
Not even as a kinky toy. Only delinquent husbands and passive-aggressive teetotalers neglect to refill the ice trays, and ideally you are sleeping with neither of those. A snort of bourbon may be in order, and while bourbon can be lovely at room temperature, average room temperatures can be upward of 225ºF on the sixth floor of a tenement with a black tar roof. Also: kinky toy.
COUCH OR SITTING SURFACE THAT DOES NOT FUSE WITH HUMAN SKIN
Self-explanatory. Unless you’re at the wordlessly-dragging-each-other-into-the-bedroom stage, and congratulations if you are, you’ll need an appropriate, comfortable couch as a launching pad for your move. (N.B. never call it a "move" except sarcastically.)
A WAY OF KEEPING YOUR CAT OUT OF THE ACTION
Ordinarily, a household pet can catch you in flagrante delicto, no big deal, but just looking at all that fur during a heat wave is enough to make one invest in a cryogenics startup.
You may hide your fancy shampoo, if you must.