Drinking That Might Not Kill You in the Medium to Long Run

Or kill you slightly less. Yesterday, our hard-charging reporter Canadian and blogger Ben Barna interviewed Connecticut’s finest musical force/self-proclaimed raging alcoholic Moby, in which the chrome-domed DJ laments the inherent unhealthiness of hitting the sauce (and the blow). While we agree with Moby’s assertion that drinking is, uh, bad for you, we’d like to present our readers with a list of bars and respective drinks that might not result in a (pictured) Dylan Thomas-esque booze-induced fatality (for the record, not that we endorse drinking until you die — unless you balance it out by writing timeless poetry — but he did kick the bucket outside of the White Horse Tavern).

Milk and Honey: Fresh-squeezed fruit (oranges, lemons, limes, and apples) get pressed by hand every day for maximum Mentos-like freshness and enhance the nutritional value, which we’re told is a good thing. For those using the “I’m under the weather and can’t go out” excuse, get over it with a Penicillin Scotch, infused with honey, lemon, and ginger, which is known to assist in better digestion.

Employees Only: Beefeater Wet and Berentzen apple liquer go into Employees Only’s Ginger Smash, as well as muddled ginger root and fresh cranberries — apparently, adding booze to cranberries increases their antioxidant capacity. Lavender, a long-heralded headache remedy, when paired with other herbs, creates a tonic that strengthens the nervous system, done justice here in the Provençale (herbs de provence-infused vermouth, Cointreau, and lavender-infused Plymouth gin).

Counter: The vegan-oriented Counter serves up what they call an R-Rated Rootbeer Float, with wintergreen and vanilla-infused vodka. Wintergreen has sarsaparilla, which is known to fight both liver disease and syphilis — pronounced effects of hitting the bottle too much.

Finally, according to its press release, specialty sauce Veev promises a “better way to drink” (double-fisting? Funneling?) via a vodka-like mix of “wheat spirit” and the magical, Oprah-endorsed acai berry. Says Veev: “The dark purple berry has catapulted from the Brazilian Rainforest to the glasses of L.A.’s most influential tastemakers.” Like Gisele, but less German. While the website assures consumers that the product in no way promises to deliver health benefits, it can help deliver on the subconscious ideal and/or justification that what you’re doing is okay, which, when it comes to alcoholism, is pretty priceless to us.

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