Nothing like an octopus to take our mind off pigs for about four seconds. Today, the zombies over at Radar wipe a bit of brain off their lips and report, “Casting is underway for Octo-Mom: The Musical.” Delicious! A feature-length musical should mint Nadya Suleman as an ironic gay icon the likes of which we hadn’t seen since last year, when Sarah Palin was terrorizing innocents everywhere. And because Octo-Mom: The Musical need not be an overdone odyssey that likens Suleman to an icon of Caribbean folklore most noted for his eight legs and deception. So how exactly should such a trainwreck play out?
Director. Appoint Andrew Lloyd Weber. If anything, his talent for drippy, maudlin musicals could temper public ire towards Suleman enough to get anyone to watch her life play out in song and trite story. Also, he should seriously consider this when determining/embellishing the musical’s plot.
Cast. Apart from Angelina Jolie, it looks like any self-respecting actor would do well to steer clear of this project. Luckily for frustrated casting directors, Maryland-based Tiffany Claus makes her living as an Angelina Jolie lookalike. For all we know, she may have the acting range of a plate of chicken nuggets. But that’s enough to portray someone like the womb raider. Other choices: Lindsay Lohan (remember: “self-respecting”), in a dark wig. As for the kids, Suleman’s probably got no qualms about leveraging her little ones as long as she gets a hefty cut of box-office profits. If not, the Lion King guys could always make fourteen elaborate paper cut-outs that vaguely look like confused children.
Soundtrack. In addition to Weber’s musical arrangements, contributions from Alan Menken, if only for his award-winning work on The Little Mermaid. And only if he can get Suleman’s character to deliver a barnstorming rendition of “Poor Unfortunate Souls.” Because, in this one-sided abusive relationship with Octo-Mom, that’s all we are and will ever be.