There’s lots of stuff I don’t want. I don’t want, for example, to be pushed onto the subway tracks during rush hour. I don’t exactly want The Meatball Shop to package my beef and my noodles in separate containers. I don’t want to hear Justin Bieber talk about his kids. But the thought of having to endure tabloid updates about newly engaged celebrity-circus-stunt-turkeys Michael Lohan and Kate Major is something I so wholly do not want that I’m actually considering putting down the new issue of Star.
I don’t actually know anything about these meat-head slimeballs except that, one, they’re staining my sunny day with the threat of nuptials; two, she’s a former Star writer who once dated the guy who was once married to a woman with her same name who danced recently with the stars; three, he’s Lindsay’s dad and he’s been in trouble with the law for DUI’s, attempted assault and insider trading (he’s also, as if this couldn’t get any more tragic, close friends with Jon Gosselin, who Major was recently romantic with). So there you have it. Lindsay seems so excited by the news: “I’m gonna vomit!” she told Us Weekly. “I so didn’t need that info… Yuck!” Let’s take a look at Major through the years, without annotation, because, really, this story speaks for itself.