August 20: People Who Had a Worse Week Than You

This Semen Drinker Office pranks are usually fair game for anyone from entry level to executive employees. Although the stereotypical American workplace doesn’t resemble the environment of the hit NBC series The Office, let’s face it, we’re all stuck in a desk/cubicle/windowless office for the better part of our lives, and humor is generally a welcome addition. Michael Kevin Lallana, a 31-year-old staff member at Northwestern Mutual Mortgage Company in Newport Beach, doesn’t quite understand the concept of this thing called ‘humor’. Lallana ejaculated into a female co-worker’s water bottle, twice in three months. The second time around, when the victim felt ill after chugging some high quality H20, she sent the water bottle in for testing. After what was probably a very awkward process of elimination within the population of male staffers, DNA linked Lallana to his water-bottle-semen and he was charged with “two misdemeanor counts each of releasing an offensive material in a public place and assault, with sentencing allegations for committing a crime for sexual gratification.” He will not be eligible for promotion any time soon. Or ever.

Kid With the Worst Luck of All Time, Ever (Seriously) I’m not very superstitious, and therefore didn’t make any fearful accommodations for Friday the 13th last week. But some poor kid in England will probably spend the rest of his life avoiding cracks in the sidewalk, screaming when umbrellas are opened inside, dodging black cats, and looking for heads-up pennies, while carrying a four leaf clover and a rabbit’s foot and muttering Irish good luck toasts to himself. Among 170,000 people at the Lowestoft Seafront Air Festival in England, this kid was struck by lightning at 13:13 (that’s 1:13pm for us ignorant Americans) on Friday the 13th. And he’s 13. Weird? Weird. The boy suffered from minor burns, and he’s alright, for now…

Non-Virgins in China It’s customary in China, where ‘gender equality’ is like a funny weeknight comedy series with a built-in laugh track, for men to expect to marry virgins. It’s also customary that sexually-liberated women in China who look towards Western values as inspiration, are not, in fact, virgins. But instead of having marriage rates decline, women are just re-virginitizing themselves all over again. Recently, hymen restoration surgery is all the rage, or hymenoplasty, if you want the technical term for a quick Google search. So, that painful sensation known as “awkwardly losing your virginity and ripping your hymen while thinking: This is what I’ve been holding out for???” can be yours all over again! The obvious alternative is “a Chinese-made artificial hymen that purports to create a physical sensation for the man and emit fake blood when ruptured,” according to The Washington Post. Ew. Not jealous.

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