A Few Voicemails We Wouldn’t Mind Hacking

It was in more than poor taste for reporters (and possibly editors) at the soon-to-be-former News of the World in London to resort to phone hacking tactics to get the lowdown on the story of Milly Dowler, a missing 13-year-old in 2002, or on the victims of the 2005 London transit system bombings, or the relatives of deceased British soldiers. All were completely innocent victims of the Murdoch-owned tabloid’s nonexistent ethical standards. That said, we can think of a few individuals whose voicemails we wouldn’t mind hearing, if the opportunity happened to fall into our laps. (Call me, Rupert!)

DSK’s chambermaid – It’s doubtful that any voicemail could shed light on what actually happened in the hotel room that fateful day, but now that rumors are swirling that she has been turning tricks while being housed by the DA office …

Yo honey, it’s Daniel. I met you at Sofitel and we had a good time – I gave you that yellow diamond bracelet. Now I hear you’re staying in Brooklyn. Let’s meet up?

Charlie Sheen – Out of pure curiosity of knowing who calls Sheen these days…which is probably not a very large cast of characters. Maybe only the Insane Clown Posse, for scheduling purposes. Or…

Charlie, it’s Dr. Somers again. I’m just calling to make sure you’ve been taking your meds for passion…or the ”bi-winning” disorder, or whatever you like to call it. Call me back, and please don’t yell at me this time.

Michele Bachmann – Blah blah blah Iowa’s Family Leader’s Pro-Marriage Pledge. Let’s be real, Bachmann may be a super conservative wingnut hiding behind some mock feminist jargon, but she’s also pretty and has nice hair. That’s got to take some work.

Hi Ms. Bachmann, I’m calling from Chestnut Salon to confirm your 10:30 appointment tomorrow with Sandy for a color-and-blowout. No need to call back, I know you must be busy rendering women second-class citizens while claiming to empower them.

Brad Pitt – I just want to know if Angelina ever gets stressed out by all those kids.

Brad, Pax is refusing to come out of his room unless we get married. I tried to explain to him our position, but he’s only 7. Call me. Oh, by the way, I just adopted three more kids from some country I never even heard of before today.

Heidi Klum – Heidi no doubt has the cutest voicemail message in the history of supermodels (what are the chances it ends with auf wiedersehen?). But besides Heidi’s running partner Kim Kardashian calling to arrange jogging plans, Tim Gunn must drop a line at times. Or maybe Seal is secretly needy…

Baby, its me. Come home, you can go to the gym tomorrow. I’ve been kissed by a rose, and I just don’t feel right – I need to talk to you. I’m going a little … crazy.

Rupert Grint – Weasley must get prank phone calls from the type who gets a kick out of the “Gingers do have souls!!” video. Being a wizard is hard enough.

RONALD!! Care for a snog from a muggle?

Christopher Columbus – Okay, so there weren’t cell phones back then. But if there were, I’d want to know what he reported back to the old lady across the pond about the New World.

Hey Beatriz, we just arrived in India. That was way easier than I expected, only half the crew died on the way over! Anyway, tell Ferdinand and Isabella that they’ll make their money back and then some on this trip, because there’s nobody here. Oh wait, here come some people. They look friendly enough. Let me hit you back later. Peace.

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