5 Disturbing Things We Learned From Barry Bonds’ Mistress

It’s a changed world today, people. On the subway this morning, when I tried accessing a New York Times article on my iPhone, a notification popped up telling me that if I wanted to read it, I had to pay actual money. It was my first encounter with the Times‘ new paywall, and it was a traumatizing experience. But then I went to Top Stories, the only section that’s still free for non-suscribers, and discovered an article titled “Ex-Girlfriend Details How Bonds Changed.” What I read next truly disturbed me.

For those unaware, a little background. Barry Bonds is baseball’s home run king, but it’s probably because he injected himself with a lab’s worth of scary drugs. When authorities suspected Bonds of steroid use, they questioned him about it in front of a grand jury. And even though everyone knew Barry Bonds was a bloated, steroid-infused cheater, he still lied about it. Now he’s on trial for perjury charges, and the prosecution is calling key figures from Bonds’ past to testify against him. This brings us to Kimberly Bell, the slugger’s mistress over two marriages, who testified yesterday how Bonds went from sugar daddy to steroid creature. Here’s what we learned from what’s probably the best anti-steroid PSA I’ve ever read (and I’ve read none).

Barry Bonds had bacne. “He developed acne on his upper shoulders and back,” Bell testified. He also asked her to help him clear it up, a revolting request by any standards. ● Bonds wasn’t bald by choice. We used to think Bonds’ shaved head was a look, but Bell said it was a way to cover up steroid-induced hair loss. Not cute. ● While Barry Bonds was crushing baseballs, his were shrinking. “The shape, size of his testicles were smaller, unusual, differently shaped,” Bell said. Extra points go to the prosecutor for helping to reveal that Barry Bonds has weird nuts. ● Barry Bonds is the original Mel Gibson. If you thought Gibson threatening to bury Oksana Grigorieva in rose garden was bad, check out Bonds’ sweet nothings: He threatened “to cut my head off and leave me in a ditch,” and that “he would cut out my breast implants because he paid for them.” Aw, Barry! ● Barry Bonds has that Ludacris song. Bell wrote emails about Bonds’ nationwide girlfriends, including “the ugly whore in Vegas” and “the stripper from Phoenix.”

Can someone get this man’s wives on the witness stand? This is good times.

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