Photograph Courtesy of WikiCommons
You wish you were me, an attendee of Brangelina’s wedding. While I was there, at the wedding, I was in the presence of all the celebrities from the tabloids and the magazines that you know and you love. Jennifer Lawrence was there. Sofia Vergara. Lance Bass. Carl Sagan. Jennifer Aniston was not there, but we all were thinking about her.
“Jennifer Aniston isn’t here,” said my close personal friend George Clooney.
“I know,” said my dear dear friend Queen Latifah– who insisted we all call her just Latifah, acknowledging that for tonight Angelina reigns alone.
The ceremony of the wedding was so beautiful that it brought tears to my eyes, and I even cried them all out. They dripped all over my face and then down onto the Atelier Versace dress designed for me and all of the other bridesmaids. Yes. I was a bridesmaid at Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s wedding. Unfortunately, I am not at liberty to discuss who the other bridesmaids were, but I’ll give you a hint one of them was in the 2011 hit film Bridesmaids starring Kristen Wiig (Kristen Wiig.) The others were various people that Angelina Jolie personally saved from a swamp in 2003 when they were drowning in a yucky, yucky swamp. Angelina Jolie got yucky so that she could save these people. She got yucky in a swamp.
Now I will tell you about the good stuff. What is the good stuff? The good stuff is the different pies that they had at the wedding. All of the food at the wedding was pies. During the cocktail hour, celebrities including Selena Gomez, Channing Tatum, and Whoopi Goldberg noshed on miniature pies. Then, for the main courses, of course the pies were bigger and stuffed with meats such as pork or chicken- for the vegetarians the pies were beet pies or cheddar. For dessert, Brangelina, a nontraditional couple, had a nontraditional wedding cake. It was nontraditional in that it was a pie not a cake. A cream pie- chocolate flavored. I enjoyed eating it, and we (me and all of the other celebrities) laughed at prankster Jonah Hill who pied himself in the face (although it seemed to be a cry for attention B list move Jonah haha!)
I am sick of writing to you about this, because I don’t need to do this, I don’t need you to think I am cool. All of the other celebrities think I’m cool. Who are you? Just some person with a computer and enough free time to read an article. I have to go.