‘Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve’ Performers Announced, Aren’t Very Rockin’

For the past four decades, on every New Year’s Eve, Dick Clark has emerged from his bioform preservation chamber at the center of the Earth to host ABC’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. The program is a cultural mainstay, and must-see TV for shut-ins and people in hospitals recovering from failed holiday suicide attempts. Entertainment Weekly got their hands on this year’s list of performers, and we’re starting to think ABC is taking liberties with the term “Rockin’.”

Performing at the Times Square studio before and after the ball drops will be Florence + the Machine, Nicki Minaj, LMFAO, The Band Perry, blink-182, OneRepublic, Gym Class Heroes, Taio Cruz, Will.i.am and Christina Perri. Sure, Nicki Minaj is cool, and Florence + the Machine are the best band on Anthropologie’s store-wide soundtrack, but the rest is a hodgepodge of crap, ‘90s throwback pop-punk, and more crap.

Ryan Seacrest, Jenny McCarthy, and Fergie will be co-hosting. Happy New Year, we guess?

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