A friend recently told me that the only way to properly clean out your closet is to take out each unwanted item, thank it for all it’s done for you, and then release it back into the cyclical world of thrift or donations. As I plan to do this on New Years Day, I began to think of some other things I’d love to rid my life of, forever
2014 was a great year for music. But as the laws of balance would have it, that also means that a ton of random shit slipped through the cracks, and that the world at large was really into it. Here are a few of the songs that need to die as the year comes to an end.
Maroon 5 – Animal
Adam Levine owes me a LOT of money. My wine glasses, mirror, bowl and sense of wellbeing in the world have all been shattered by his shriek of a voice, which wavers between octaves so high that even my dog can’t stand it. I was going to suggest Levine make an album for dogs only, but my pup is giving me a snare while I write this and I’m afraid of him. There were few songs in 2014 that were literally painful to my ears, and this was one of them. I bid you farewell, “Animal.” Even those of your namesake hate you.
Bang Bang – Jessie J, Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj
2014 was filled with a lot of mistakes. For example, I thought that this song sucked so badly, even the all-star team behind it and over-the-top promotions would prove fruitless in making it a hit. Actually, the song was a massive smash, and as if the grey-haired white men who decided to make a fortune off a few stars wanted to punish me, it’s become inescapable. Everyone sounds like they’re trying too hard. Jessie is clearly afraid that Ariana’s voice will outperform hers, which results in her basically yelling her way through the whole mess. Also, the lyrics make no sense, WHATSOEVER. Please please, rid us of this one already.
Taylor Swift – Shake it Off
I’m shaking. Still shaking. My body is basically convulsing and yet I still can’t rid myself of this shit. Don’t get me wrong; I’ve sang my share of “The players gonna play, play, play, play, play…” while thinking about how much money this girl is making, in part by giving Spotify the middle finger. The truth is, Taylor’s pop stuff is really good, and I have no intention of being a snob about it. That being said, I’m moments away from checking myself into Bellevue and singing “Shake, shake, shake” until the world stops spinning. Luckily, I’d probably be sharing a room with Tay, who’d be clutching her odd-looking cat and a “New York’s Global Welcome Ambassador” sash that she handmade out of sheet music, crayons, pink glitter, and teardrops.
Beyonce – Drunk In Love
You can throw all of the fanatical, “Beyonce is the second coming of Jesus” shade at me that you want, but it’s time for this song to die. On the subways in the morning, through my coworkers’ headphones, at every bar, and playing somewhere in the background of tens millions of Instagram videos, this song has been a non-stop verbal assault on my ears. If I have to listen to Jay-Z talking about how Beyonce’s breastases are his breakfast one more time, I’m going to make it my life mission to make sure that baby Blue Ivy knows her parents had a hit song bragging about their sex lives. Beyonce is as close to writing her own material as North Korea is to incorporating American Independence Day into their national calendar, but Jay-Z actually wrote this PDA-like obscenity.
Meghan Trainor – All About That Bass
She’s all about that bass. We’re all about that bass. Everyone is obsessed with “that bass” and its positive, self-confidence boosting message. This song joined the ranks of other unstoppable forces like Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe” in 2014, and if there is anything I could cleanse pop culture’s pallet of in the new year, it would be that damn bass. This song and its frilly, colorful video have killed more brain cells than whip its and bath salts combined. They should rewrite the song as “All About That Mace,” peg it as a warning anthem against men, and shut Ms. Trainor down forever.