Of course it’s gauche to talk about the Caribbean in July when everybody who’s anybody is gamboling along the Mediterranean, but fall will be here before you know it, and you need to make plans lest you wind up in some second-rate hotel on some third-rate island. A person of your stature deserves–requires–the finest of everything, which is why you need to hurry up and book a week or so on Sir Richard Branson’s Necker Island in the British Virgin Islands. The big news this season is that the island’s Great House is finally complete after a massive, bazillion-dollar top-to-bottom restructuring, making it well-nigh the finest, fanciest, luxuriousest chillout spot in the world.
Inspired by the Balinese design of the original Great House, which apparently wasn’t great enough, Great House 2.0 boasts breathtaking views of the Caribbean, Atlantic, and neighboring islands like Virgin Gorda, as well as amenities like jacuzzis, outdoor baths, a fully stocked bar, and kitchenette, although it would be awfully pedestrian to mix your own drinks and cook your own meals in this joint.
The Great House has nine bedrooms, including the 1,500 square foot master suite and a crow’s nest designed for the World’s Best Sunsetting®, but when you rent Sir Richard’s island, you also get the use of six individual Bali Houses dotted around the island, which I reckon are pretty schmancy as well.
It can all be yours for the low price of $60,000 a night, and calling that a low price is only sort of a joke, because the island can sleep a total of 30 adults, plus an additional six children in the Great House’s bunk room. That’s $2,000 per person, per night, or $1,666.66 per person if you make the kids pay up too. And that’s not a ridiculous price when you consider the absolutely ridiculous experience you’ll have.
You can swim, sunbathe, drink, windsurf, snorkel, scuba dive, kiteboard, play tennis, hang out with parrots and turtles, indulge in spa treatments, and go for a ride on the Necker Nymph. Hop on a water shuttle and head over to nearby Virgin Gorda and hit The Baths, one of the most beautiful beaches I’ve ever gotten sunburned on. Or check on your little boat while it’s moored at nearby YCCS Marina, which is specially designed for superyachts.
So, I’ve schooled you on this nifty place to have your next life experience. Now please do me the courtesy of letting me stay in one of those little Bali Houses while you’re there. I’ll keep out of your way except to mix cocktails and protect you from turtle attacks. Deal? Deal.
For reservations, call 0800 716 919 (toll free) or +44 (0) 208 600 0430 or email email@example.com.