Who’s Cooler Than Me?

imageTonight, it’s a monumental clash of the titans. It’s Ali vs. Frasier, Connors vs. Borg, Clarence Darrow vs. William Jennings Bryan. Omg! These references are so old … I’m dating myself. Actually I am dating myself, but that’s a short story. Tonight the “Most Interesting Man in the World,” that Dos Equis guy, is hosting a rather large event, and they have me doing the door. Our encounter will squash those rumors that he and I are indeed the same individual. Those kooks over at Mirrorball, an off-the-beaten-track marketing company, are throwing this bash at an old bank which is somehow connected to an old school. Talking about old school, that lawyer I mentioned, Clarence Darrow (he’s the guy who defended the right to teach evolution in the Scopes trial) once said, “I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend than be one.” This may explain half the reasons we have half the promoters in this town; the other half are working this event as hard as any soiree in recent memory.

It seems whole swaths of forests have been sacrificed to produce a million fliers, and I will question the Most Interesting Man in the World about it. ?uestlove — or as it is printed on the million fliers, Questlove — of the Roots will DJ with a full marching band. Bear Grylls, an interesting guy of TV’s Man vs. Wild, will do something daring and I hope interesting. DJ’s Bobbito Garcia, Sinatra, Price, and Chris Leggio will be joined by newcomer DJs “Fingers on the Pulse”; they sound like dancers on Denny Terrio’s Dance Fever, but once again I’m dating myself.

Anyway, according to the press release they came in all the way from Williamsburg, so I will catch their set. Jay Dhabi will be doing a bangra set. The Most Interesting Man at the Door will be checking out the bikini-clad DJ Cat in the pool, er, “aquatic center” (I’ll be wearing a Speedo under my tux). They even got themselves a herd of Australian didgeridoo players; the Chinese ones were cheaper, but they spared no expense. They have two 16,000-volt Tesla coils, where Dr. Frankenstein only sprung for one. Plus ninja experts, a falconry tower, and even a barber shop will be on hand. Mirrorball’s CEO Michael Blatter (is anybody doing urine analysis on this guy?) pointed out that back in the day, it was hard to attract the club-kid crowd to these kinds of corporate events, but nowadays, everyone’s already seen the joint at the end of the alley, or the underground dining room entered through the kitchen, or the secret phone numbers or knocks, etc. …. they’re looking for alternative events and venues. Tonight’s jam will be in converted classrooms and even a gymnasium. Dos Equis is taking its multi-award winning Most Interesting Man in the World” campaign to our sometimes interesting world. And sometime tonight I may meet this Man and come face to face with my destiny.

Oh, and that long-ago lawyer Clarence Darrow, who was in his day the most interesting man in the world, also said, “I don’t like spinach, and I’m glad I don’t, because if I liked it I’d eat it, and I just hate it.” I got to introduce this dude to my ex-wife.
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