5. Matt Damon (Spanish): Not actually too bad, to my ears? But what the hell do I know. All I can say is that it was not entirely distracting, hearing Matt Damon speak Spanish. Maybe he does in real life! Thank god I will not live a hundred years and be forced to finally learn Spanish by living in the techno-slums of Los Angeles.
4. Jodie Foster (French): This definitely had some problems, though I’m also of course in favor of making all sci-fi villains somewhat French for no solid reason—they are anti-immigration bastards, let’s be real. Even so, this lacked a guttural quality, way too American. Would have been laughed out of her host home for study abroad in Lyons.
3. Sharlto Copley (Afrikaner South African): Totally unbelievable and therefore totally real. My god, I had forgotten that the white people down there sound like this—and somehow the dialect that made him sound weak and puny in District 9 becomes the creepiest thing in the world. The “I’m sorry we crashed the ship … and ruined somebody’s lawn” moment should be in the hall of fame for “Insane Movie Characters Trying to Keep Their Cool.”
2. Jodie Foster (English): Seriously, why did they bother. She’s already an ice-blonde in a severe suit who speaks French. She’s evil! We get it!
1. Droids (American): You’re telling me that a century and a half from now we still won’t have robots that don’t sound like robots? Wouldn’t a robot with smooth speaking patterns be easier to design than a robot capable of policing a population of indigent unemployables? No? Maybe there’s a message board where I can start an argument about this.