Norm MacDonald Is ‘Vampire Dog’

We’re guessing that when it came to recording voiceover lines for a 600-year-old talking vampire dog in the straight-to-DVD kid flick Vampire Dog, Norm did everything in the space of a long afternoon (and a giant bottle of bourbon).

We should never begrudge our working comedians—especially ones so awesomely peculiar as Mr. MacDonald—their paychecks. But did the producers of this movie even have money? Between the film quality and the subject matter, it’s like watching a pet food commercial that’s been adapted into a middle-school drama club production. Only the forced inclusion of a phrase like “Epic fail, bro” when someone gets whacked in the balls would hint that anyone wearing a suit came into contact with the script. 

I’m not exaggerating when I say I can’t even parse this trailer. The dog, named Fang, is a vampire but eats jelly? He can turn invisible? Do vampiric entities really need to poop? Why does it say “Summer 2012” at the end? As happens all too often these days, paranoia sets in. There’s no way this is real. Yes, I’m dreaming right now. Must be. Hold on, I’ll see if I can wake up by jumping out the window. 

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