5 Career Options for a Newly Unemployed Julie Taymor

In case you hadn’t heard, Julie Taymor is all but free from the quagmire that is Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. The speculation is so thick (is she stepping down? did Bono shoo her out?), the sources so numerous, that it’s pretty much a done deal. It’s sad to see to see an artist of Taymor’s talent and conviction fall short of realizing her vision, but Broadway always seemed like an ill fit for her idiosyncratic sensibilities, despite The Lion King‘s success. The question now is, how will this epic professional and creative letdown affect Taylor’s confidence, and therefore her career? Will she rebound with something so mind-meltingly ahead of its time that we won’t be able to comprehend it until 2054? Or will she start directing sitcom pilots for NBC? Here are a few career options for the embattled genius.

Direct Batman: Turn Off the Dark Knight on Broadway. Second time’s a charm, right? The dark themes and Gothic undertones of the Batman saga could be perfect for the woman who directed Titus. The only problem: Batman doesn’t sing, no matter what. It just doesn’t happen. How could Taymor get around this? Hire Trent Reznor to compose an industrial score, and have the Caped Crusader scream his lyrics. Done.

Become Lady Gaga’s go-to video director. Sorry, Jonas Åkerlund, but there’s a new bitch in town. Lady Gaga has a new album filled with music videos just waiting to be directed by someone with the same knack for phantasmagoric visuals as herself. And since Taymor loves setting her compositions to music, this could be the most ideal collaboration since Charlie Sheen and Chuck Lorre, or something.

Step in as the Creative Director at Dior. Thanks to Hitler, there’s an opening at the French fashion house, and although Dior head Sidney Toledano has reportedly found his man, we nominate Taymor. Her outre imagination can help fill the void left by bizzaro designers Alexander McQueen and John Galliano, and she still gets to keep ‘director’ as part of her title, which is all anyone really wants.

Write a book about her Spider-Man ordeal. The last time Julie Taymor tried to write a book, it didn’t go so well. But what about a book about why it didn’t go so well? If she’s too emotionally destroyed to appear in public for a while, she can lock herself up in her Manhattan apartment and bang this thing out. Our suggested title: How to Fail in Theater While Really Trying.

Direct and produce U2’s next world tour. Because her, Bono, and The Edge made such a good team the first time.

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