E.T. “Shroud” Discovered in Scotland Tree!

If Penn & Teller’s Bullshit were still on the air, perhaps this would be the obvious next episode. But without their agnostic incredulity to right the human tendency of gravitating towards mystical malarkey, the recent discovery of a rather transcendental “Shroud of E.T.” is certainly ripe to inspire all manner of ethereal oohs and ahs.

And indeed, Billy Harley, proprietor of the Isle of Skye’s charmingly elegant Uig Hotel (pronounced Oo-ig, for you non Scotophiles), has found a startlingly scrupulous image of Spielberg’s hallowed little “phone home” space boy burned into a nearby tree stump. Now, should your natural skepticism cause you to point out that E.T. was, in fact, just a character in a movie, well…we’re perfectly happy to dismiss you from further immersion in this story.

But as for the rest of you…

etree

Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow to Blame for Shooting Rampage?

There’s no argument that guns weren’t involved in the horrific shooting in Santa Barbara, but guns seem to be lowest on the media’s fault list for the rampage.

Ann Hornaday is an astute writer for the Washington Post. As an astute writer, she came to the (asinine) conclusion that shooter Elliot Rodger’s Santa Barbara shooting rampage was due to comedy stars such as Seth Rogan and Judd Apatow permeating American pop culture with comedies that give an unrealistic worldview to people like Rodger.

Rodger’s rampage may be a function of his own profound distress, but it also shows how a sexist movie monoculture can be toxic for women and men alike. How many students watch outsized frat-boy fantasies like Neighbors and feel, as Rodger did, unjustly shut out of college life that should be full of ‘sex and fun and pleasure’? How many men, raised on a steady diet of Judd Apatow comedies in which the shlubby arrested adolescent always gets the girl, find that those happy endings constantly elude them and conclude, ‘It’s not fair’?

Seth Rogan responded:

 

Not to be outdone by Hornaday, irrelevant Tea Party member Joe the Plumber, aka Samuel Wurzelbacher, trumped her idiotic comment by publishing an open letter to one of the shooting victim’s father:

“Your dead kids don’t trump my Constitutional rights.”

Mr. The Plumber added: 

“We still have the Right to Bear Arms and I intend to continue to speak out for that right, and against those who would restrict it — even in the face of this horrible incident by this sad and insane individual. I almost said ‘Obama Voter’ but I’m waiting for it to be official.”

Meanwhile, a FOX News commentator/hack shrink Dr. Robi Ludwig said that Rogers was probably gay:

 

So rest assured NRA! As noted, guns had “zero” to do with the attack, even though the people were killed with guns.

Miley Rides a Hot Dog, Bangerz Tour Ticket Sales Plummet

Doesn’t twerking look like the act of a diseased dog in Tijuana with bad diarrhea? It’s soooo 2013. I got a slight theory: Miley Cyrus does things to attract publicity. No I’m serious. She does things like ride giant phallic hot dogs, because hot dogs are in the same shape as penises, get the connection? Miley Cyrus is so shocking! in a very contrived PR-media-blitz, crotch-grabbing sort of way.

Apparently, Miley’s 15 minutes of twerking might be over. According to The Hollywood Gossip:

Industry analysts say it’s not the fear that the show will be canceled that’s keeping fans away. Instead, they claim sluggish sales on the European leg of the tour are simply the result of overpriced tickets and an act that may be growing stale.

Forbes estimated that Miley has failed to sell out “as many as half” of the remaining concerts on her tour; uncommon for an artist of her stature. Miley has been accused of knee-jerk attention-getting stunts to get her name in the Buzzfeed headlines, but two hours of the same stunts would get very tedious.

According to Noisey, here’s how the show goes down:

She begins the show pleasuring herself on the top bonnet of a car, before aggressively attacking her crotch while screaming at the crowd to “mind your business, stay in your lane bitch, I’m a southern belle, I get crazier than hell.” Later, she flies through the arena straddled across a giant hot dog and, in one video interlude, appears gagged with tape on her tits and flowers sticking out her anus. 

Get it: she used to be Hannah Montana, that’s the joke! The over-sexualization comes across as trying to hard, and plummeting ticket sales trumpet that the joke just isn’t funny anymore. No matter how edgy Miley might think she is, her core group of fans are most likely accompanied to the concert by their parents, who are paying for the tickets. I imagine the most entertaining thing about the Bangerz tour is witnessing the stunned expression on dads forced to watch the onslaught with their kids.

Top 3 Kimye Wedding Crashers

Well… it happened. The #worldsmosttalkedaboutcouple finally tied the knot this weekend in Florence at the famous Forte di Belvedere amongst their closest family and friends in a “private” ceremony that they were no doubt paid millions of dollars by the E! Channel to broadcast in some horrible television special that we will ALL watch and say we didn’t. While her Givenchy couture wedding dress, Lana Del Rey pre-wedding pouty serenade, and lengthy celeb guest list (our invite got lost in the mail, obvz) are all notable talking points, here are three of our favorite moments that’ve been circling the media, keeping us talking…

Beyonce’s Shady Insta
Queen Bey was nowhere to be found at the ceremony despite Kimye’s (desperate) attempt to get the singer and her hubz there. Yonce instead instagrammed herself lounging very much not in Italy just moments before the ceremony, because, what’s a Kardashian?? Right after, she posted a pic of the (second most) royal fam of hip hop, wishing them a “lifetime of unconditional love” which actually meant, “Hopefully this lasts more than 72 hours.”

Beliebers Storm the Fountain
Italian Beliebers were out in the hundreds to get a glimpse of the “Baby” singer who was believed to be present at the nuptials, but were later disappointed to find out he was actually in Cannes doing normal dick things like posing in baby diaper harem pants with his douche-stash for the film festival.
Justin-Bieber-at-AMFAR-in-Cannes-2014

Rob Kardashian Crying Because Fat
While Kim’s baby bro was seen in Paris for the pre-celebrations, the newfound fatty skipped out on the ceremony because, well…he’s fat. According to the news, he’s been “working” on his weight and rather than join the fam in Italy he’d rather go cry over a pint of ice cream. It’s okay Rob…we’d rather do the same too.
rob-kardashian-eating-problem

Why The Terrorists Hate Us: Doggy Fat Camps

Why do terrorists hate America? Is it because they hate freedom? Is it because they hate our way of life? Do they view us as a rich, decadent society full of gluttony and excess? Do they simply hate our foreign policy as the so-called “liberators” of the world?

If you answered “yes” to any of the above questions, you are wrong.

The reason why the terrorists hate us is: Doggy Fat Camps. Yes, fitness clubs for our fat pets. We’re such a decadent society that even our nation’s pets are getting obese and have their very own workout spa. The Morris Animal Inn in New Jersey not only runs doga sessions (yoga for dogs), but also has a canine gym equipped with treadmills, exercise balls, and an indoor swimming pool.

Can you imagine living in a 3rd world country—where you can barely feed your family —and find out that in America dogs have their own health club where they are pampered in a luxury spa? Wouldn’t your head explode? Doggy exercise programs range from the ‘Olympian,’ at a daily rate of about $100, to the ‘Athlete,’ at about $40 a day.

Please terrorists, don’t hate us. We apologize that we can’t exercise our own pets and, instead, send them to expensive doga sessions.

FBI Going Hippie-Dippie in Weed and Hiring Practices?

The Federal Bureau of Investigation is as straight-laced as it gets. But the agency’s announcement on new hiring practices makes you think that the FBI attended last year’s Burning Man festival.

READ WITH ME:

FBI Director James B. Comey said Monday that if the FBI hopes to continue to keep pace with cyber criminals, the organization may have to loosen up its no-tolerance policy for hiring those who like to smoke marijuana.

The FBI notoriously has a policy of not accepting job applicants who have smoked pot in the last three years, but it appears the federal agency may be relaxing that rule. It’s a new age of criminal, and the FBI has to keep up with the pace of global baddies. On Monday, the Justice Department charged five Chinese military officials with hacking, and brought charges against the creators of Blackshades, malicious software that allows users to surreptitiously peep into the computers and web cameras of others–Miss Teen USA, you have our solidarity! –thus the need for a new, elite breed of FBI agent; millennial programmers who also like to get baked on the bammie.

Says James B. Comey, “I have to hire a great work force to compete with those cyber criminals and some of those kids want to smoke weed on the way to the interview.”

Wow! Does FBI now stand for Firing Blunts Incessantly?

Before you jump to the conclusion that all this sounds like the makings of a crazy sitcom created by the producers of The IT Crowd, late this afternoon Comey clarified his comments made at the FBI oversight hearing. Apparently, he was attempting to use a rhetorical device called “humor” regarding the subject of new hires.

“I am determined not to lose my sense of humor, but unfortunately there I was trying to be both serious and funny,” Comey said. “I am absolutely dead-set against using marijuana. I don’t want young people to use marijuana. It’s against the law.” Adding, like the guy who just peed in the punchbowl, “We have a three-year ban on marijuana. I did not say that I am going to change that ban.”

Bah. Foiled. And the stoners would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling teenagers!

All the Absurd Events in the U.S. This Week

New York

8th Annual Brooklyn Zombie Crawl 
4 p.m. on Sunday, May 25, The Trash Bar, 256 Grand St, Brooklyn
Terrorize Williamsburg dressed as a zombie. The zombie shenanigans will crawl for over 10 hours and will culminate in a blood fueled after party at Bar Matchless at 8:30pm.

Los Angeles

Dazed and Confused Drive-In 
8:30 p.m. on Saturday, May 24 — $11, Electric Dusk Drive-In, 1000 San Julian St. Los Angeles
Dazed and Confused launched the career of Richard Linklater and arguably one of the greatest high school movies ever made. The older the movie gets, the more the characters stay the same age…

San Francisco 

Ian Curtis Memorial Show 
9 p.m. on Saturday, May 24, Thee Parkside, 1600 17th Street, San Francisco
34 years ago Ian Curtis took his own life after watching Werner Herzog’s Stroszek. Joy Division cover band Dead Souls and locals Roadside Memorial and The Ink Bats perform.

Chicago

Everything Is Terrible! Live! 
9 p.m. on Thursday, May 29 — $15, Lincoln Hall, 2424 N. Lincoln, Chicago
The group’s members regularly raid thrift-store shelves in search of obscure and discarded visual media–B movies, instructional tapes, public-access shows–to use as raw materials for their hyperkinetic mash-ups, which first were published on their blog and are now being commissioned by the likes of MTV and Adult Swim.

McDonald’s’ Terrifying New Mascot

It’s a new era for McDonald’s and they have a new, frightening mascot. Meet “Happy”, the new animated McDonald’s mascot aimed at getting kids to eat healthy food. Happy is terrifying — an animated Happy Meal Box with huge teeth, soul-scanning eyes, a black hole mouth, and judgmental arms — the stuff nightmares are made of. Happy’s role is to scare children into eating right. (As opposed to eating all the other shit on the McDonald’s menu.)

 

lead_large

 

READ WITH ME:

The fast-food company wants to position Happy as a healthier spokesperson for kids to promote “improved nutrition” choice. The character’s entrance coincides with introduction of Go-GURT Low-Fat Strawberry Yogurt. It, along with apple slices, can replace the kid-size fry as the side in a Happy Meal.

McDonald’s made their reputation on being Morgan Spurlock’s unhealthy nightmare, a wallowing fast food playground for our nation’s obese children. When Spurlock feasted on nothing but McDonald’s for Super Size Me, he gained 25 pounds and his cholesterol levels rose to a dangerous level, as did fatty accumulations in his liver. He experienced mood swings, depression, heart palpitations, and sexual dysfunction. (Ready for the joke?) I call that an “Unhappy Meal!”

McDonald’s decided to was time to rebrand, partially because of Spurlock’s movie, and partially because studies showed that more than one third of children and adolescents were overweight or obese. McDonald’s trying to rebrand itself as a healthy food establishment is like having a gun manufacturer rebrand by selling squirt guns.

Happy is the “ambassador for balanced and wholesome eating.” He is encouraging kids to eat the healthy Happy Meal options: fruits, vegetables, low-fat dairy and water or juice. Happy is especially welcoming of the new Low Fat Strawberry Go-Gurt. Happy does this by having a psychotic stare on his box-face.

McDonald’s has had a long history of creepy mascots. Check out McDonald’s very first Ronald clown mascot—who designed this monstrosity? Did they strap a food tray atop his head and attached a Dixie cup to his nose and then call it a day? Were they promoting fast food or coulrophobia (fear of clowns)?

Check out one of the most disturbing commercials known to humanity: