Sorry, Vegans: Cocaine’s Not For You

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I’ll go ahead and say this now: I eat meat and I don’t do cocaine. It’s a lifestyle choice that has served me well for the last 28+ years. My general reaction to anyone who either tries to convince me to do cocaine or eschew all animal byproducts is a very visible annoyance. (What is it, by the way, with vegans and cocaine users whose favorite pastimes seem to be telling you that they are vegan and/or do cocaine? Discuss.) But, as it turns out, cocaine is not very vegan-friendly.

Per my friend Leah, who sent me this today:

cocaine lactose

Alas! Lactose strikes again! At least I have an even more insufferable excuse for when I turn up my nose (pun intended) to any offers of booger sugar: “Sorry! Nope! I’m lactose intolerant! Can’t do it!” (I will probably say that as I shove five to six mozzarella sticks in my mouth, as I’m typically being offered cocaine in my local T.G.I. Friday’s.) Between the terrible, revolting lactose and the cocaine hunch, which is really the most unflattering thing about doing cocaine, I now how have a lot of material to work with when shaming my drug-using friends at parties, because there’s nothing more fun than meeting that generally assholish behavior shot-for-shot.