Don’t Get Bangs

Every day, American women ponder a number of important questions, from "What shall I wear today?" to "Will I ever receive equal pay for equal work?" But among the most entrenched is the question "Should I get bangs?" The answer is no, you should not. 

This view, of course, will be roundly ignored, because, regardless of how they actually look, bangs will forever fall in and out of fashion based on whichever popular female actor, musician, or television host currently has them. Liv Tyler gets bangs? They’re in. Heidi Klum gets rid of her bangs? They’re dunzo, for now. Yet this oscillation between banged and bangless states serves no purpose except to pad the wallets of hair stylists, who profit on the churn between styles much like stock brokers profit by trading stocks regardless of whether the market is rising or falling. 

But bangs are a bad idea, because they inevitably result in one of three scenarios:

  • They make women look like six-year-old girls whose moms got frustrated with their daughters’ hair constantly falling over their eyes, so they grabbed the nearest pair of scissors and cut a straight line across the forehead.
  • They make women look mean and unapproachable.There’s a certain nasty effect that bangs have with eyebrows. They’re either so high that the eyes give off the "I can’t be bothered with you," look, or so low to say "Please leave before I die of boredom." If you’re normally accused of being overly friendly, this could help, but, for the most part, they have a bitchifying effect that few women need or want. 
  • They make women look like, well, weirdos. Look at Lady Gaga. Her banged up ‘do looks like someone hacked a doorway into a thatched hut with a machete. I get it, you’re an individual, just like those fifty million other girls whose faces peek out of a little tunnel, like a cartoon mouse looks out his cartoon mouse hole that the homeowner somehow never notices before rushing out to snatch a hunk of cheese.

If they actually served a purpose, if bangs were the only way women could keep the hair away from their eyes and see clearly, they’d make sense. But there are any number of long hairstyles that somehow keep the sightlines clear, and there’s always the option of tying it back. 

But alas, the Bang Industrial Complex will keep hairstyles in a constant state of flux, and the answer to both "Should I get bangs" and "Should I get rid of my bangs" will always be yes, because everybody wants to do something different with their hair as a metaphor for changing their lives. And of course bangs look good on some women, because some women are so striking that any hairstyle looks good on them.

But as for you, you’re absolutely gorgeous without bangs. Don’t do it. Please.  

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