5-Hour Energy Drink Trying Way Too Hard

We’ve known about this inferior amphetamine-like product for a while now, haven’t we. From its packaging I would guess it’s made by the same company that does HeadOn (APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD). What I can’t fathom is why anyone would want to stay awake for five hours. Anyway, they must have beefed up their marketing budget, because I’m seeing a two-pronged attack on consumer wallets.

On the one side you’ve got this new, almost-slick TV spot that resembles a campaign ad in its statistical, rationalizing tones. It’s quite a departure for a brand that not long ago had a cowboy berate you for drinking anything else. (He’s on Twitter, by the way.) Now we are meant to be impressed with the sheer human effort of buying expert opinions from 3000 anonymous doctors—much more so than about the 73% (of the number who approve of “energy supplements” in the first place, which isn’t specified and likely close to zero) of them who would recommend the stuff. Yep, that huge stack of papers is very convincing, lady.

And speaking of convincing: I’m seeing 5-Hour Energy Goons in the streets these days. Dressed in company gear, holding out samples, patiently explaining the pseudoscience behind each lovingly brewed bottle. And is it just me, or are free samples only handed out when the thing in question is addictive? I bet you had to give them your email just for the first sip. Such bullshit how Four Loko never did that.

Follow Miles Klee on Twitter.

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