I Went to Brangelina’s Wedding

Photograph Courtesy of WikiCommons

You wish you were me, an attendee of Brangelina’s wedding. While I was there, at the wedding, I was in the presence of all the celebrities from the tabloids and the magazines that you know and you love. Jennifer Lawrence was there. Sofia Vergara. Lance Bass. Carl Sagan. Jennifer Aniston was not there, but we all were thinking about her.

“Jennifer Aniston isn’t here,” said my close personal friend George Clooney.
“I know,” said my dear dear friend Queen Latifah– who insisted we all call her just Latifah, acknowledging that for tonight Angelina reigns alone.

The ceremony of the wedding was so beautiful that it brought tears to my eyes, and I even cried them all out. They dripped all over my face and then down onto the Atelier Versace dress designed for me and all of the other bridesmaids. Yes. I was a bridesmaid at Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s wedding. Unfortunately, I am not at liberty to discuss who the other bridesmaids were, but I’ll give you a hint one of them was in the 2011 hit film Bridesmaids starring Kristen Wiig (Kristen Wiig.) The others were various people that Angelina Jolie personally saved from a swamp in 2003 when they were drowning in a yucky, yucky swamp. Angelina Jolie got yucky so that she could save these people. She got yucky in a swamp.

Now I will tell you about the good stuff. What is the good stuff? The good stuff is the different pies that they had at the wedding. All of the food at the wedding was pies. During the cocktail hour, celebrities including Selena Gomez, Channing Tatum, and Whoopi Goldberg noshed on miniature pies. Then, for the main courses, of course the pies were bigger and stuffed with meats such as pork or chicken- for the vegetarians the pies were beet pies or cheddar. For dessert, Brangelina, a nontraditional couple, had a nontraditional wedding cake. It was nontraditional in that it was a pie not a cake. A cream pie- chocolate flavored. I enjoyed eating it, and we (me and all of the other celebrities) laughed at prankster Jonah Hill who pied himself in the face (although it seemed to be a cry for attention B list move Jonah haha!)

I am sick of writing to you about this, because I don’t need to do this, I don’t need you to think I am cool. All of the other celebrities think I’m cool. Who are you? Just some person with a computer and enough free time to read an article. I have to go.

Indie Rock Band Kitten Talks Bruce, Blondie, and Power Ballads

Photos by Zak Krevitt

Chloe Chaidez’s shitty high school band wasn’t really that shitty. In fact by twelve she had opened for Conor Oberst and Band of Horses. Before she was legal, she had opened for No Doubt, Paramore, Young the Giant, Garbage, and Charli XCX. Now, at nineteen Chaidez, and her band Kitten have just released their debut eponymous album and have just come off of headlining their first US tour. Now, Kitten has achieved the next logical important milestone of their career, talking about Bruce Springsteen with me.

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So is Kitten at all inspired by Blondie, like, name-wise?
I honestly don’t even listen to Blondie. I think it’s because of the name, like where it sounds like a solo project. People call me kitten and Debbie Harry Blondie, but besides that I don’t really think I’ve listened to their music that much.

But there is that one song, Money, with Ariel Pink that sounds very Rapture. Is that just another Blondie coincidence?
Yeah, completely. That song was very spur of the moment kind of song. I mean, my brother was just home from college and he had these old missy Elliot beats, and everything just sort of fell in place. Then we finished a couple songs and we were like why don’t we just put these out through Kitten because we wanted people to hear them. Then, with Ariel Pink I just sort of texted him saying wanna be in a video- it was all very quick and organic and stuff.

Ok, so what music are you listening to then?
I’m the worst person to ask. I only listen to The Waterboys. Oh, and Bruce Springsteen. Is that really lame?

No that’s sick, Bruce Springsteen is my favorite no one ever lets me live it down though.
Hungry Heart is like my favorite song. The overall sonics of it. Plus, I don’t know if this sounds lame but like I relate to really stupid working class hero lyrics. That’s what really hits me, Bukowski and John Lennon.

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Do you think that’s a major influence in your music?
I think get too sucked into trying to discover the next cool thing. But I don’t want to go with that scene! I think the next record I want to make a record like I don’t give a fuck. I get too sucked into new electronic stuff that doesn’t let people see who I am as an artist. But then when I listen to Bruce Springsteen, I always remember that what I do best is sing a song, and I get wrapped into people that don’t do that- but the Cut It Out EP really saved it. Wait, I’ve just had a new realization.

Yeah?
Ok so like, in the past I was trying to hide that side of what I did and smother my voice with reverb and try to make myself sound vibey. That’s not who I am and that’s not what people confide in, or what I confide in. When I listen to music I listen to what the song is. I do think the record has a lot of that.

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Fuck being vibey, dude.
Right! But letting go of vibey is tough. It crossed my mind for a second that my friends might not like my music, or get it, and it made my stomach sink. It made me think that’s such a wrong way to go about making music. You cant make music for your close friends, you’re not being expressive, or telling a story then. But also, if they dont like it, in the end jokes gonna be on them if you do what you want. I just wrote this song that sounds like Journey.

I think you should write a power ballad.
I think I should make some power ballads.

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Kitten’s debut album is out now on Elektra. You should buy it, it’s really good. 

Photographer: Zak Krevitt

Listen to Millionyoung’s New EP Materia for a Chill Summer Vibe

Materia, the forthcoming EP from Florida-based Millionyoung, will be released on July 29th via Old Flame Records as a follow up to 2013’s Variable. Frontman Mike Diaz (credited as an innovator of chillwave) and collaborator Kristof Ryan pair dreamy, laid-back electronica with hypnotic vocals to achieve a hazy, trance-enducing vibe. Perfect for summer, Materia‘s smooth, glossy beats and catchy synth lines mix with Diaz’s reverb-drenched vocals, pulling listeners into Materia’s soothing underwater oasis.

Kris Jenner Has Written a Kardashian Kookbook

Image courtesy of Amazon
The Kardashian Klan has taken over our kable, our klosets, and now they’re making moves on our kitchens. Kris Jenner is releasing her cookbook on October 18th, and it’s sort of ambiguous as to what the first lady of reality TV will be teaching us to cook. You can preorder it on Amazon now, but in the interim I have a few ideas as to what classic Kardashian meals Jenner might choose to include- A salad. A salad. A salad. A salad. A salad. A salad. A salad. A salad. A salad. A salad. A salad. A salad. A salad. A salad. A salad. A salad. A salad. A salad. A salad. A salad. A salad. A salad. A salad. A salad.

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School Dress Codes are Going To Have To Be Revised: Russell Westbrook x Barneys Meggings

Yesterday, Russell Westbrook of the Oklahoma Thunder released an exclusive collab with Barneys, WESTBROOK XO BARNEYS NEW YORK X JORDAN. The collection of athletic wear in black and bold multicolor animal prints, includes de rigueur  workout shorts, shirts and and pants. The stand out items, however, are the elephant printed running leggings, which have been styled both under shorts and solo.  My question is, will guys borrow from the ladies and their Lululemon trend or will they keep their tushies covered with shorts? One of my friends runs in Nike leggings and I think it’s actually an ok look. Here’s Diplo trying out meggings sans coverup:

If this takes off, do you think conservative schools will let girls wear leggings to school, or will they be egalitarian in their anti-spandex crusade? I’m not really sure.

Watch the Amazing Music Video For Perfume Genius’ “Queen”

Perfume Genius’ new video for his song Queen makes for a perfect visual companion to the powerful gay anthem. Directed by SSION (who has previously made music videos for Gossip, The Dum Dum Girls, and Santigold) the video features Perfume Genius aka Mike Hadreas “cast as a kind of alternative universe Forrest Gump and Jenny, except with fluid genders and ever shifting identities,” according to the press release. 

Hadreas floats around empowering all those he meets in the video with the refrain, “don’t you know you’re queen?” Addressing the song and video in a statement, Hadreas said, “Sometimes I see faces of blank fear when I walk by…if these fucking people want to give me some power—if they see me as some sea witch with penis tentacles that are always prodding and poking and seeking to convert the muggles—well, here she comes.” This video is definitely empowering. Also, it made BlackBook editor, Jacob Brown and me cry. I can blame it on PMS, but I don’t know what his excuse is.

Watch the video for yourself right here:

More Perfume Genius coverage on BlackBook can be found here and here

Catey Shaw’s “Brooklyn Girls” Proves Even Music About Brooklyn is Being Gentrified

Video still via Vevo
“Brooklyn girls, when they walk in they rule the world.” That’s the hooky lyric of Catey Shaw’s new song about everyone’s favorite cool borough. The song, which sounds like Katy Perry, Maroon 5, and Carrie Underwood thrown into a blender (plus something a little whinier, maybe Christina Aguilera?) is accompanied by a video highlighting “Brooklyn girls” on “their island” focusing mainly on the blue-ombré’d Shaw.

The song is being sold as a “summer anthem” for Brooklyn. This seems problematic as:
A. Catey Shaw is from Virginia Beach
B. In her Twitter bio she reps the 212 area code, not the 718, so, she’s a Manhattan girl?
C. I think maybe the only people that will like this song are from the suburbs or are eleven– but they probs have a great vintage Urban Outfitters tee that says Brooklyn on it (maybe even a band tee of the Beastie Boys or The Notorious B.I.G.)

Anyway, watch the video for yourself here, and if you like it and you’re from Brooklyn, or even have been there one time to go to a weird concert your friend’s friend’s band was in tweet @ me (@zoe_dubno) and tell me I’m wrong, I dare you. 

Japanese Artist 3-D Prints Her Vagina as a Kayak, Gets Arrested

Courtesy of Rokudenashiko

Japanese artist, Rokudenashiko decided she was unsatisfied with the common Japanese term for vagina, asoko, which translates literally to “down there.” So, in an attempt to bring Japanese terminology for the vagina past elementary school level, she was determined to use and popularize the word manko, which means “pussy” through her art.  After taking a selfie of her own manko, Rokudenashiko crafted a number of everyday items in her own image. “I wanted to make pussy more casual and pop. That’s how I came to make a pussy lampshade, a remote-controlled pussy car, a pussy accessary, a pussy smartphone case, and so on.”

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Gundam Pussy by Rokudenashiko

Rokudenashiko, however, wanted to go bolder, and wrote on her website, “mold by hand has the limitation. … [It’s] not suitable for making large art pieces such as a pussy door, a pussy car, or a pussy boat. I was wondering how I can make it possible, and then I finally found that 3D scanner can make it happen easily!” So she started a crowdfunding campaign for a 3D printer, which eventually led to the creation of the aforementioned “pussy boat.” The 42 year-old artist (whose real name is Megumi Igarashi) then sent over 30 people who had crowdfunded the boat 3D printer data of her own vagina. In doing so, she apparently broke Japanese obscenity laws and has been arrested. 

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Pussy Boat, Rokudenashiko

“I don’t think this is obscene,” Rokudenashiko said to the Japanese police. 

Get V Blazed in Your V

All images via Foria

Tired of bowls? Do blunts give you a yucky cough? Do bongs make you embarrassed because they’re so phallic? Are you worried your edibles have too many calories? Well, gaaals, there’s a new way to ingest your marijuana in a more ladylike fashion! New from Foria is the first ever medical marijuana vaginal lubricant, a blend of coconut oil (Yeah! I know! That stuff is great for your hair!) and cannabis oil.

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Ok, sorry, no this isn’t some misogynist weird product like the Bic pen for her— this actually sounds like one of the chillest things that’s been invented in years. While you need a medical marijuana license to buy Foria, the lubricant won’t get you that high; the product works as a sort of female Viagra. According to Nerve, after using the product women experienced, “heightened sensation, warmth, tingling, or a sense of swelling or engorgement after using the weed-infused lube. Other women were turned on and hyper aware of the tightness of their genitals, which lead to a greater sexual pleasure.”  Essentially, you know how when you smoke a spliff and you start rubbing your friend’s buzz cut and it feels aaaaamazing? It’s like that, but it’s in your vagina and in your whole body.

Boys! Are you jealous yet? Well Foria hasn’t forgotten about you! You can get high via vagina too! The company’s founder, Matthew Gerson, made sure to note that coconut oil (the lubricant’s base) is 100% edible, and if ingested, Foria will get you very stoned. Are you catching my drift?