This Whiny Conservative Screed Against Millennials Is Actually The Best

It’s hard to know why columnist Kurt Schlichter decided to wait until Barack Obama had been elected president twice and in the White House for almost five years before unleashing a torrent of hatedirected at the young voting bloc that helped to put him there, but here we are. Maybe he’s just been revising it for the last forty months? Either way, this is a master class in how to write the dumbest op-ed possible—and at, that’s no small feat. For starters, he spelled “Millennials” wrong in the headline.

It begins with a lot of “we warned you,” with “you” meaning you idiots who voted for Obama (but are reading a conservative website?), or, more broadly, “the couch-dwelling, Democrat-voting losers who live off of food stamps and order junk from QVC with their Obamaphones.” What on earth is an Obamaphone, and why the hell don’t I have one! DID YOU GUYS NOT TELL ME ABOUT THE OBAMAPHONES. “You didn’t listen to us,” Schlichter continues. “Maybe you’ll listen to pain.” Well that turned into a Nine Inch Nails song pretty quickly, didn’t it.

He goes on to insult your “crappy music” (Mumford & Sons), dismisses the NSA spying controversy by noting that “your tacky boudoir fumblings are the last thing conservatives care about” and mocks you for daring to study “Ancient Guatemalan Gender Identity Issues” at your liberal college at an age when he was doing something much more constructive: it’s called going to war, you pussies. The nub of his advice comes down to “Now fetch my latte—I’m in a hurry to get to my corner office. And I’ll leave you a tip—next time you decide to vote for a liberal, first be born in 1964.” Very constructive! We’ll get right on that.

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