Earlier this month I traveled to Petersburg, Kentucky to cover science personality Bill Nye debating creationist Ken Ham over the merits of evolution. Thank God for the free-thinking world: evolution toppled creationism in a battle of wits that would make Sarah Palin red in the face.
The event was held on Ham’s home turf: The Creation Museum—a $27 million unaccredited museum where you can see animatronic depictions of 4,300-year-old dinosaurs playing alongside children, the way God intended, passed off as scientific FACT! (Is an unaccredited museum like an unaccredited zoo—three chimps, a dog, and a cat wearing sunglasses?)
The (unaccredited) Creation Museum is an institution where you actually feel yourself getting dumber—hall of misinformation featuring displayed fossil layers formed by Noah’s flood 4,350 years ago; presented as historical natural history facts, begged by the museum’s curator to be taught in public school science classes.
Creation Museum reads a road sign on the Kentucky highway. Farther ahead, a stonewall with depictions of 4,350-year-old dinosaurs marks my destination. This is founder Ken Ham’s $27 million Crazy Horse monument.
The sign on the unaccredited museum door requires that visitors be respectful to the ideas expressed within its hallowed grounds (i.e., don’t openly mock the insanity). The Creation Museum’s motto, “Prepare to Believe,” sounds like Criss Angel is about to perform a magic show. The unaccredited museum is filled with people who look like they cut their own wood and Amish-looking people with Abe Lincoln beards pushing baby carriages.
The unaccredited Creation Museum is laid out like, say, the New York Natural History museum, with authoritative plaques, presenting statistics and dates—except for the fact that it’s all WRONG and proven false through science.
EXAMPLE: Depictions of dinosaurs and children gleefully playing by a river are rationalized by, “Dinosaurs were created on Day 6 along with humans- 6,000 years ago.”
The (unaccredited) Creation Museum backs up its claims, such as the Grand Canyon was formed in a few thousands years. Explanation: as “God was there in the beginning and wrote down in the Bible how he made everything. Again and again, it’s stressed that creationism science is backed up by, “The Bible’s True Account of History,” and that this science is valid because, “The Bible is authoritative without error and inspired by God.” It feels like the only thing missing with these conspiracy theories is an exhibit that proves how the Jews lied about the Holocaust.
These men are digging up 4,000-year old dinosaur bones. The sign tells us: “The flood was 4,300 years ago. That’s how old this fossil is.”
Moonman logic follows: You see, fossils don’t come with tags on them to tell how old they are.”
Bible passages are shown that mention dragons—which is Bible code word for “dinosaur” (being the word “dinosaur” was never mentioned in the Bible.) You see, dinosaurs died in the Noah’s Arc flood and carbon dating is pure medieval quackery. Case closed.
See these kids. Their best friend is a loveable dinosaur. It’s a friendly dinosaur, the kind that won’t stomp them to death or rip their heads with it’s mighty jaw, as movies have lead us to believe. That’s not how the dinosaurs-who-lived-with-humans behaved. I’m in Richard Dawkins Dante level of Hell.
Here are two typical teenage kids. They were living a creationism-less life. Apparently their school was doing a bad thing. Their school was censoring important information, such as all of life was created by an invisible magic man. Their evil teachers were telling them such evil things as, earth is 4.5 billion years as opposed to 6,000. (The discrepancy is off by a factor of a million.) Now these kids have learned that people and dinosaurs were created on the exact same day and frolicked in harmony. Now they are happy.
The (unaccredited) Creation Museum has a new exhibit on Lucy- the female Australopithecus afarensis, that is “rumored” to have had a bipedal upright walk. Lucy is considered the missing link to modern man, and has caused a lot of trouble with creationists. No need to worry—the (unaccredited) Creation Museum has proven that Lucy is as real as, say, Santa Claus.
A sarcastic sign reads: What Did Lucy Look Like? An artist rendition shows several versions of Lucy to prove a valuable point. All of them look like common monkeys. This display allows (unaccredited) museum-goers to openly scoff. The small children next to me are being told by their parents: “Who do you think Lucy is? Lucy doesn’t look like a human.” (Big creationist laughs.) “Lucy was just a normal monkey.”
“Missing a few pieces,” laughs another man pushing a stroller, pointing to bone fragments. “Everything I learned about evolution comes down to faith,” he states proudly conducting his own Scopes Monkey Trial. Stupid dumb secular world with your stupid dumb secular science.
Old timey guys are writing on scrolls. We’re told with great authority that the six days mentioned in the Bible are supposed to literally be six days. It’s not a figurative day—one day is a singular 24 hour day….. or else THE 4TH COMMANDMENT DOESN’T COUNT, GODDAMN IT!
This is why Ken Ham will not settle for second place. This is why Ham leaves no wounded alive, compromising on the scriptures (using Genesis as a metaphor for the Big Bang theory) leads to a long slippery slope to premarital sex, adultery, and everyday being like a big San Francisco gay pride parade. Compromise is not an option. If you back down on one point the whole house of biblical cards comes crumbling down. Dinosaurs are 4,000 years old—end of story.
Dinosaurs also played with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. A plaque tells us with tooth fairy logic that Adam named all the creatures in the world, and with that this task of naming all the animals of the world would only take a few hours…at most.
The unaccredited museum K9 security unit comes sniffing inside the Garden of Eden exhibit. (Has someone else eaten the apple?) I ask myself: Is it wrong to get turned on by the erotic Adam and Eve exhibit?
More dinosaurs and more unaccredited museum factual proof.
Plaques tell children that dinosaurs died “probably in very recent times” and that dragons, as mentioned in myths, were most likely dinosaurs as featured in the Legend of Sir George and on The Flintstones.
More: If human bones weren’t found with dinosaur bones, it simply means they weren’t buried together.
Explanation on why dinosaurs went extinct: “Humans killed off dinosaurs because they were afraid of them or wanted to show off.”
So dinosaurs went extinct due to man’s “showing off.” This “showing off” theory of dinosaur extinction is very novel.
How did dinosaurs fit on Noah’s Ark? Answer: They were small.
A 1/10TH replica of Noah’s Ark is depicted, along with a chart showing how two of all the animals in the entire world were fed. If a Carnival Cruise line got 600 people sick in a week, how would a 450 foot wooden boat fare—filled with two of every animal packed together like foie gras geese? Think of the sanitation standards of this floating biblical petri dish. The Ark, by the way, was 12 buses long.
The (unaccredited) Creation Musuem concludes. Kids, exit through the gift show, where they can get their photo taken while riding a life-like dinosaur. (God also intended this.) Noah’s Ark Café is empty.
In the world of the (unaccredited) Creation Museum, kids should no longer stare up at the stars, contemplating how to solve the mysteries of the universe; their science pondering will abruptly stop with “God did it!” All books in the bookstore should come with crayons.