Ryan Seacrest Plans ‘Extreme Life Makeover: Lindsay Lohan Edition’

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imageOnce upon a time, down by N’awlins, probably in the French Quarter, there was a princess who was fairest in all the land. There was also a creepy frog who wanted a French kiss from the fairest princess in all the land. ‘Cuz it’s the French Quarter. And then — oh, crap! This isn’t a copywriting assignment where I have to concoct generic back-of-DVD text for Disney’s latest fairy tale conquest is it? Well, I guess that makes some sense as neither Ryan Seacrest nor Lindsay Lohan are near the Big Easy. And that it’s mystifying to figure out who’s the princess and who’s the frog. And while no amount of kissing occurred (perish the thought!), the two did have something of an illicit tryst, where their foreplay led to something worse. Not procreation, but creative genesis. With their powers combined, Seacrest and Lohan hope to unleash a reality show on America so terrifying that it would make us yearn for the fame-mongering ways of Demonella and her beau.

The duo was out at H’wood, sipping Tokyo Teas, playing games of M.A.S.H, and occasionally verging on reality TV epiphany. Then they parted. But before he got home to write in his Interior Reflections diary in pink gel pen, Seacrest — who is responsible for foisting Kim Kardashian and Denise Richards on us in any extended capacity — twittered, “Met with Lindsay last night about a show idea I have for her … it helps people and gives others a second shot! Still putting it all together.”

And because synergy is sensational, Lohan hurried home from H’wood, too. Four bus transfers and a 14-minute walk later, she got home and twittered, “Working on a really great project for television — I am excited! Something meaningful like Extreme Home Makeover on ABC … :)” The angle of the reality show is to give people who’ve majorly effed up a second chance in life … and the additional incentive of a million dollars. Lohan will be the judge of whether people will remain in the running to be America’s Next Not-Lindsay Lohan. Which sounds especially dubious for too many reasons, one being that just this morning, she was given a citation for blasting music at 4:20. Linds, sweetheart, no matter how loudly you blare “Built This Way”, Sam Ronson will not come back to you.