Waffle House:The Ultimate Valentine’s Day Experience

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It used to be that a $10.99 Valentine’s dinner at White Castle was all it took for the man-esque half of a high level alt couple to charm his way to an excellent five minutes between some alt tits, or up an alt nose, or whatever ‘edgy’ act they’d decided to try on this ‘special’ day. By taking her to an establishment frequented by ‘actual poor people’, he was showing his ‘sense of humor’ and ‘rejection of mainstream values’ while at the same time ‘saving dollars.’

But it’s a new decade now, and that’s not going to cut it. With “the Castle” suddenly so two-thousand-and-late, what’s a man to do? Luckily, Waffle House has stepped in to up the ante for ironic daters everywhere, offering reservations for a night of greasy, syrupy, wafflicious romance. Think sex is hard after consuming ten sliders? Try it after an “All Star Special” of toast, eggs, hashbrowns, bacon, and your choice of biscuit and gravy or waffle. Handicaps help us demonstrate true mastery! And for those looking to spice up their relashe, take the advice from one of Waffle House’s distinguished patrons. The “scattered, smothered and covered” hashbrowns should provide ample inspiration (don’t forget to use a safeword; I suggest “extra ham.”)

“Once you get there, you realize it’s as cool as any place else,” WH spokeswoman Kelly Thrasher told Slashfood. She’s wrong; it’s much, much cooler. But I’ll let it slide because her last name is THRASHER. The nearest Houses Waffle to NYC are located in Pennsylvania, so visit the Scranton branch for the added bonus of pretending you’re Jim and Pam from The Office. All the low level alt couples are gonna be so jeallo of y’all.