A tabloid-grabbing divorce from Hollywood cutie-pie Drew Barrymore. Testicular cancer. The Razzie awards. So the City of Angels has not exactly bestowed a guardian upon Tom Green. (Where’s Clarence when you need him?) But if the best comedy is wrought from tragedy, then Green is doing fine. His candid memoir, Hollywood Causes Cancer, was acclaimed for its humor and its heart.
And today he is getting the last laugh, on a nightly basis, with the top-rated internet talk show, Tom Green Live (8 p.m. Pacific Time, www.tomgreen.com). From his Hollywood Hills home studio, famous friends and neighbors like Brooke Shields, Ed McMahon, Val Kilmer, and Thora Birch stop by for an hour of hilarity. And with his feature-length film Prankstar due out later this year, Green is on top of the world, Pa. And yet, and yet…
1 Traffic sucks. Because of traffic, driving conditions, potholes, and highway shooters, driving in Los Angeles is like living in Hell.
2 Earthquakes are bad, but the fires, they are particularly so. They are even worse than the mudslides. If you are thinking of moving to Los Angeles, choose an earthquake zone over the fire or mudslide zones…or the freeway-shooting zones or school-shooting zones.
3 Relationships aren’t easy. One particularly has to get used to the “Third-date-just-before-dessert rule.” This is the moment you find out which one of the Wilson brothers your girlfriend has dated (or is currently dating).
4 Behavior is misleading. If somebody says to you that they have to “go” because they “need” to get up in the morning for an “important meeting,” that is a lie. They really just don’t like you, and are looking for any excuse to go home, jerk off, and go to bed.
5 Your agent and manager become your best friends, simply because nobody else can bear to talk to you anymore. 6 It can sometimes be difficult to find drugs after 4 a.m.
7 You never know when it’s OK to wear a tie. You could go to the beach and they’re wearing shoes, and then head out to a restaurant and the diners are barefoot.
8 When in a relationship here, there is a “Fourth-date-just-before-dessert-rule.” This is the moment you find out about the pornography career, but then are reminded that it was “in another life,” which is, of course, reassuring.
9 You are deemed “uncool” for not popping a Vicodin with your crème brulée.
10 The water causes testicular cancer.