Six Condom Ads That Will Scare You Off Sex

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As children and other sexually transmitted maladies continue to threaten this horny planet’s health, the message of safe sex is more important than ever. What’s the best way for condom manufacturers to drive this message home? How about making the populace so creeped out they’ll never want to have sex again? This Chinese Durex ad, which features audio of women orgasming in ranges from “little girl” to “little girl crying” to “little girl furry pretending to be a lamb,” does the trick. (It gets extra points for the “American style” orgasm, which confirms my suspicion that people who know nothing of America but our Internet porn are under the impression we all fuck like Sasha Grey. Immigrants are in for a rude awakening.) Here are six more accidentally abstinence promoting condom ads.

image image Durex XXL: Is your partner’s vagina too small? Does it need stretching out? Try cramming something leg-sized up in there! (Warning: may push out guts through eyes.)

image image Durex Ribbed Condoms: There’s may be a small minority of the population that gets off on visualizing his/her partners’ penises as filthy, meant for walking on and/or made of concrete, but I’m pretty sure they’re a small minority.

image Playsafe Condoms, “fits any head”: Hells no! This is the stuff of nightmares, not sex. These condoms are so stretchy they can provide erotic asphyxiation for both small-headed indie girls and the big-headed grinning madmen who abduct them. Asphyxiation for all!

image Durex Peforma: Does sex feel too good? Is your girlfriend too hot? Durex performa contains a mild anesthetic which, when used in conjunction with fug pillowcases and picturing your mother, will guarantee your dick never even thinks about getting hard again. What will you do with all the time you save?

image T-latex terrorsperm condoms: This German ad capitalizes on the existential baggage many people still carry from World War II. Don’t let that mustachioed freak into your Rhine valley! He’s only going to annex it and use it as a base from which to conquer more territory, commit genocide and ruin your figure for life. Or maybe Osama Bin Laden is plotting to launch a terrorist attack from your uterus, at which point the U.S. army will invade your body with much collateral damage and never leave. Are you turned on yet?

image Fruit and Colour Condoms: Don’t you wish you were as horrified and Hungarian as him? These fruit-flavored condoms are so realistic, your partner might just get confused and bite a bloody, strawberry-scented chunk out of your love-wand. Will she? Won’t she? It’s sexxy suspense to the max.