This month, Nature Physics (your favorite academic journal) published a report that may have finally validated the existence of science: there are diamond oceans on Neptune and Uranus. Sorry, did you get that? Diamond-mother-freakin’-oceans!!! We’re talking solid diamond icebergs floating on liquid diamond seas!
(‘’)Dr. Jon Eggert—of the Laser Shock Equation of State group in the Department of Physical and Life Sciences Directorate at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory (duh?)— weighed in on the importance of the study’s findings, saying “the idea of significant quantities of [pure effing diamonds, glistening in the sun, as far as the eye can see]…has gained both experimental and theoretical support.” Mr. Eggert went on to proclaim “an ocean of diamonds could [make me rich beyond belief. You fools, you utter fools. I will be your king; you will worship me like a diamond god].”
The study breaks from science’s long standing commitment to cataloging lemur sex and collating butterfly orgasms (or whatever) to finally address something that real people (also, Elizabeth Taylor) care about. Experts agree that, following this study, science might actually be worth something if it would just stop trying to graft monkey arms onto flying snakes (this is what 97% of science does, I’m pretty sure) and focus on curing AIDS, ending war in Liberia, making Heidi Montag sane and properly punishing Jay “Big Chin” Leno.
There is no word yet on what science plans to do next, but we hope that it addresses what is wrong with Madonna’s arms .