Miley Cyrus Issues Press Release: “I Don’t Want Attention”

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You know what’s been really singeing the edges of Miley Cyrus’ lone brain cell? How not to be such a tabloid magnet. The pop coquette said to a friend who told an ex-girlfriend who told a pre-op trans-centaur who inevitably told a tabloid, “People will always say that I’m overworking, overexposed and want all this attention. That’s not true.” Surely Cyrus realizes that her voice will always be heard around the world, like the hyper-amplified bleat of a sheep. Whether it’s her take on issues like unemployment topping 10.2% or her views on flarf poetry, everyone will always wait for the Miley Moment before continuing further discussion.

But you guys! Miley’s serious. “I just want people to realize that I really am grateful for what I do,” she says. “And I do care about the fans,” she adds. “I can’t help if there are 40 photographers outside my house.” Things you can help, Miley: being the worst celebrity influence ever on little girls age 8 through 18, avoiding horrible Myspace photo-ops, unflattering kitty pictures, wearing too-short shorts while nearly straddling a pole, and making more pop songs like this.

Also, it wouldn’t have hurt to have actually listened to a Jay-Z song, Miley, if you’re going to say you did in a song you obviously didn’t write. #MileyFails all around.