From vegans to Bristol Palin, nothing is off-limits for comedian Kathy Griffin—except number 6. While preparing to sully the Great White Way with Kathy Griffin Wants a Tony, the two-time Emmy Award winner, Grammy nominee, and New York Times bestselling author took a minute to rattle off life’s little irritants, and to remember the little people (in skinny jeans) who helped her get to where she is today.
1. Don’t touch my feet! I am too ticklish. Back off, freak. That includes you, Tarantino.
2. Vegans. Why don’t you just walk around Manhattan scratching a chalkboard while you’re at it?
3. Texting and walking. Look up, look up, look up… bam! You should have looked up.
4. Cold doughnuts. Do you know how hard it is to find a hot doughnut at any time other than four in the freaking morning? Listen up, New York: I want a hot, fresh doughnut and I want it now. And no, Dunkin’ Donuts, I don’t mean the ones you make in the outer boroughs, drive to Manhattan, and microwave.
5. Lockup Raw. Hey, MSNBC—it’s seven on a Friday night and you’ve stopped showing news. There’s just a little uprising in Egypt I was kind of curious about, but please feel free to run your piece of crap franchise over and over instead.
6. Anal sex. Sorry guys, and some of you ladies with strap-ons. I call that area “exit only.”
7. HD. It doesn’t enhance my viewing pleasure one bit to see every individual hair on Wolf Blitzer’s chin. Let’s soften everyone up a little, shall we? If it were up to me, we would return to the good ol’ days when Cybill Shepherd wouldn’t even walk onto the set of Moonlighting until Vaseline was on the lens.
8. Skinny jeans, especially low-waisted skinny jeans. They do not work with my dwarf-like legs, which will soon be seen on TLC’s Little People, Skinny Jeans.
9. Getting up early. God knows who I was bangin’ all night.
10. Genocide. Never liked it, never will.