Lindsay Lohan is the prime suspect in an alleged jewelry heist recently staged at a photo shoot for Elle. The matter is of such high import that Scotland Yard’s got its best men working round-the-clock on nabbing the perp; the net value of the missing Dior baubles comes out to roughly $500,000. But let’s look at the erstwhile thesp’s track record: She’s stolen fur coats and other garments, Samantha Ronson’s heart (again), one of Paris Hilton’s boyfriends, someone else’s fiancé, a classic song by Cheap Trick, and of course, an eightball of blow. But it only gets murkier from there.
About two weeks ago, La Lohan was rumored to be pawning some jewelry in Los Angeles. Which is apparently routine for her. Conveniently enough, that’s around the same time the baubles went missing from the studio where the fashion shoot occurred. But we can’t convict Lohan yet. Groan! I know, but bear in mind such nuances of the American legal system, like due process of law, reasonable doubt, and maybe even a possible insanity plea.
Besides, with a storied track record like Lohan’s, putting her in close proximity to such stealable shiny things might not have been the wisest move. Especially since she had no noteworthy projects lined up. And so concludes Jewel of Denial, the inevitable, slipshod remake of a 1980s film with a similar name.