Hey, you guys (and I mean that not in the familial bloggy voice but literally, I’m talking to you guys, dudes, men, whatever). We’ve got to talk. And it’s a serious subject and I want you to pay close attention. I know the summer’s here and you’re embracing shorts and t-shirts and, in some cases, tank tops (do you!), but we’re really pushing the envelope when it comes to what you’re wearing on your feet. Sandals and flip-flops? No. We have to issue a moratorium on such footwear, and I’ll tell you why.
It’s your feet, you guys. Your feet are disgusting.
Now, I’m no stranger to the fight. I love how great boat shoes and top siders look, and thank goodness they’re in style because I’ll be rocking them all summer! Yes, they’re rough on my feet, especially when I’m breaking them in. And wearing socks and boat-shoes is a big no-no, especially when it’s warm enough for shorts. You don’t want to look like your grandpa with the loafers and the tall white socks paired with your cargo shorts. (While we’re on the subject of shorts, let’s briefly touch base and all agree that shorts should have a maximum of four pockets—two in the front, two in the back, and that’s it.) And I get that you want to let your feet breathe, because summer’s hell on those encased and unsocked dogs of yours.
But look, you can’t just let those feet out in the open, especially in their present condition. You must realize that other people can see your feet—passing you on the street, sitting next to you on the subway. Gentlemen, your feet look like hell.
First of all, clip your toenails. Clip them! This is vital, because they’re just waiting to poke an eye out. And while you’re fiddling with your nails, might I suggest you clean them, as well? And your heels. I am worried about your heels. Moisturize, men! Your heels are about to fall off and everyone will see because you’re convinced that it’s perfectly appropriate to expose them to the wild with little protection to keep them intact save for the strap of leather keeping your woven sandals on.
Another pro-tip: Don’t wear those kind of sandals. I have made the same mistake, but in my defense I was 17 years old and it was 2001:
Basically, you have two options. Either you ditch the sandals for closed-toe shoes like regular adults, or you go ahead and get yourselves a pedicure. I know, I know, you’re a man, but if you’re going to be confident enough to bust out your feet in public, you should probably feel comfortable having someone clean them off for you since you’re so clearly against doing it yourselves. Think of the children! And also of the ladies, if you’re into the whole heteronormative generalizations and stuff. They’re worried about your feet, too.